notes from a plus-size lolita

hi everybody,

today i am writing about something very personal. something i'm sure that many others struggle with alongside my own personal journey.

today's post is about my weight, and my perception of myself.

it's been a bitter winter here in New England -- what started out as a very mild season has turned into snowstorm after snowstorm laying into the East Coast. it's definitely put a damper on my mood.

winter is always the most difficult season of the year for me, and trust me, if i could move out to a place that's warm and sunny year-round, i would in a heartbeat. but unfortunately, i can't. and unfortunately, living in Rhode Island for most of my life hasn't done anything to condition me to the harshness of the cold and darkness.

it's very difficult for me to have any motivation during this time of year. the days are so short, the air so biting, all i want to do is stay home and stay warm. 

i've always struggled with my weight. ever since i could remember, i've had an unhealthy relationship with food. in my family, i was taught to finish my plate and that throwing out food was such a waste. and it is, don't get me wrong. but it's an unhealthy mindset to hold onto. reflecting on this mantra and trying to change it has been a strenuous task for me. but it's important to try to change for the better when you can.

i currently weigh 147 pounds. my bust measures 39"/99cm, my waist is 31"/79cm. for me, i feel like a blob. it's hard for me to be positive about how i look because even when i was thinner, i had no self esteem. 

wearing lolita helped me change that part about myself. lolita for me is definitely akin to armor - when i put it on, i feel invincible. so confident, strong, truly beautiful.

at least i did.

i tried to drag myself out of my slump for a meetup yesterday. i selected a few dresses to try on, all of my more forgiving jumperskirts. 

none of them fit. i was completely heartbroken.

but, i've known for awhile it was time for a change. my weight is always up and down, never really keeping off the lost pounds. to be successful in losing weight, i need to change not only my exercise and diet habits but my thinking habits as well. i have to stop beating myself up and tearing myself down as motivation. any sort of steps made to progress should be rewarded with a pat on the back and to keep going.

i start Crossfit tomorrow night. i am absolutely terrified. with the terror there is a pinch of excitement - in all honesty, i think i will benefit from the community environment of my local gym. my boyfriend has been going for about 3 months now and has achieved great results! i am very lucky that he has always been so supportive in everything i do.

when i look at myself in the mirror, or think about how i look, it's hard not to think i've already been defeated, that nothing will ever really change. yesterday was a huge wake up call. not being happy wearing lolita was just the worst i've felt in a long time.

with all of that said, by Rufflecon, i would like to have a 35"/90cm bust, with a 28"/72cm waist. every month i will be posting progress of my continued effort to lose weight and keep it off. i hope that it may help someone out there. i do admit that i am mostly posting progress for myself. 

whoever is reading this, i want you to know that you are beautiful. you do not need to apologize to anyone for how you look. change for yourself, make decisions that benefit you and only you.

thank you so much for reading. until next time,

☆jessi